It's truly been a year of highs and lows. And how, when it's a year celebrating one of the most ultimate highs - getting married - could it possibly be a year of lows?!
On a personal note, I lost two very important people in my life within months of each other. And the saddening, depressing feelings seemed to tackle the joyous, exciting, celebratory ones without warning. It's quite a unique juxtaposition, it is. And confusing. I often caught myself with my thoughts in nearly accusatory fashions: how could I possibly be happy when she's not with me?! She should be here doing this/going to this appointment/talking about this coordination...
But I knew after some time that wasn't fair.
Now, I still cried a steady amount - certain things about every day occurrences would trigger the waterworks and the most upsetting thing was the sinking reality that they wouldn't be there in the flesh on our special day to see me marry my everything.
In an effort to not make this my most depressing post to date, I wanted to share with brides to take solace in knowing your loved ones who aren't with you WILL be there with you on your day.
The morning of my wedding day, I had no doubt they'd be there. It was a surreal feeling. My friends, bridesmaids, mom, sisters, wedding planner can all attest - I had a unique calm about me and I attribute it ALL to them. (Oftentimes I can be a bit intense and controlling - I even thought I'd be this way at my own wedding!) They pushed me to live in the moment and savor all the love that the day had to offer.
They soothed me. It was raining. It stormed. There were large gusts of continuous winds. My wedding was outside. I never flinched. I knew the sky would open up. It did.
Further, I received two distinct signs:
-Grandma Freed, thank you for the painted nearly electric green Emerald sky after the rain finally settled. It was as if I was Dorothy myself in my silver shoes walking to my home, my love. And thank you for your perfect purple handkerchief that absorbed my sweaty palms wrapped around my bouquet. (My mother, her daughter and my sisters always shared - still do - a deep love of the Wizard of Oz. Hey, we had an "Oz" room growing up!)
-Aunt Judy, who knows where that darling Golden Retriever pup came from, but once he emerged from the wood, and I was able to hold back tears under the clear afternoon sky in the pagoda, I knew you were there.
In closing, I am thankful and forever will cherish their energy and signs that day. For anyone struggling with a loss or absence at such a celebratory time, I would first like to give you a big hug and share that it's never easy, but hope you can have a bit of comfort knowing that their love and warmth will be with you on your day.